Episode 5 : Know It All
Listen to the episode below where we break down what is means to be a know it all, to be in their circle, and how to let it go.
Read The Episode
Hey everyone, it’s Candace Rusling and welcome to Live an Unapologetically Bold Life. Today we’re tackling a big one. Letting go of feeling like you need to know it all.
All right, so grab your coffee, grab your notepad, sit down, and let’s tackle it.
So we all have that one friend, seriously, all of us have her. The one where you share a story about something you’ve done recently, something you’re proud of from your past, something that you’re excited to try, and she pipes in with a, “oh, I’ve done that” or, “yeah, I know,” and sometimes, you’re just like, girl, let me have my moment in the sun. Other times, you’re like, she has no idea what she’s talking about. She is making this up right now. She’s never been there. She’s never done that.
Now, why do people do this? It’s actually a pretty simple answer, and I think once you understand why, you’re a little more likely, as the friend, to not let it slide but to give them some breathing room.
It all comes down to three things: confidence, belonging and shame.
When you’re not confident in who you are to the core of your being, the root person of your personality, you start to create little side stories that you think will make people like you more. The truth is, people are pretty good at seeing through the story, and pretty good at figuring out who you are.
Now, belonging, really is the root of why someone tries to create these stories. They want to fit in. They want to emulate the people around them. The problem is, that often times, instead of fitting in, they’re placing themselves in artificial superiority. So, they’re trying to better, one-upping people around them, and instead of making them feel like they’re belonging, it’s really just segregating them even more.
The third thing is, shame. Oh, shame will make you do a lot of things, and what it really does in this situation is, you think to yourself, “well, if I don’t like the person I am, maybe I’ll like the person I create.” Down at the core of it all, the person you’re creating is just based on shame. If you can get to the root of that shame, why do you feel that way, we can start to dig ourselves out of it.
So the only way to fix the problem, to let go of being a know it all, is to fix the mindset. The first thing you’re going to do is figure out how you’re going to convince yourself that you and the real you, the you that you truly are on the inside, is in fact good enough. So instead of trying to put on all these masks of what you think people want you to be, you become confident in the person that you are. And then you need to focus on letting go of the external validation.
It’s in those moments where we have that same friend when they’re telling a story and they’re telling all the amazing and great things they did and you know that they’re waiting for you to say, “that’s amazing”. If you’re the friend that’s doing it, we need to find a way to create more internal validation. So, making sure that you know that you’re doing a great job. That those stories are great whether they’re embellished or not. If you’re the friend that’s hearing the stories I challenge you to stop validating them.
Let your friend tell her story and then move on. I know it’s hard and it feels callous but what you need to do at the same time is encouraged her by validating the person that she is rather than the wild and crazy stories.
And lastly focusing on growth. It’s easy to get bogged down with this idea of, oh my goodness, I’ve been doing this for so long I’m a terrible person. How do I change? What have I done? Well you start from here and you move forward. Focusing on growth. Upwards instead of continuously looking back. Okay, let’s dive into how to move on.
I have great news for you. Moving on is actually the easy part. Discovering why and fixing your mindset is really where the work has to go in, but moving on just means starting fresh. It means that you’re going to wake up tomorrow and you’re going to decide to stop being the person who needs to have an answer for everything, even when you don’t know the answer. You are going to wake up and say, “I am going to let other people have their moment in the sun”. You’re going to allow yourself to stop comparing your stories to the stories of others. Their past is not your past. Their present is not your present. You’re going to start owning who you are.
Being okay with the real person, the deep down inside person, is tough. In the beginning, you are going to have to fake it until you make it. You’re going to have to pretend that you have confidence. You are going to have to own your shame. And you’re going to have to trust that you belong.
The people around you, the people who know and can see that you do this, they’re going to immediately pick up on the shift in your mindset. Trust me when I say it will be a sigh of relief for them because it means that you’re growing. It means that you have this deep capacity for change. It means that you are finally coming to peace with the person that you are.
That’s a beautiful and exciting thing because the person you are, and yeah, let’s take a minute to get a little gushy, the person you are is exactly who you’re meant to be. If there are parts of your past that you don’t like, don’t let them define you. Grow up and away from them. I always say that your history can make you or break you. Choose it to make you. Let it give you the wings.
If you are one of the people that I’m talking about today, congratulations, because this is your first step on the road to recovery. It’s okay if you feel a little bit offended by being called out. But just know that the people around you can already see it. It’s not a secret. We all know. So do your best. Take a breath, and commit to the work. I’d love to have you join me every Wednesday as we take on topic and break it down into a bite-size chunk, as we all start to work towards bettering ourselves in a really great way. Join me everywhere on the internet @monkandmills. And we can start to break down these conversations on a one-to-one level. And of course if you are looking for a group of women to help uplift you and support you through whatever journey you’re on, come on over to Facebook. We’ve got a community called The Cove. And trust me when I say it’s pretty awesome.
Find all of our podcast episodes, transcribed for readability, over here.